Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
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Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.