Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
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Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?