TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
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Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Current mood: Potato
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?