Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
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“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
yall want some gasoline milk
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”