Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
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Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.