Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
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common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)