You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
You Might Also Like
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”