road rage
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*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Wednesday
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?