@TheBoydP

Top Five Accountant Taboos:

5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex

Top Five Accountant Taboos:

5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex

- @TheBoydP

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@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: maybe we should let it live

Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?

Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale

Ahab: …ha

Me: haha

Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez

Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot

Ahab: oh like immediately

@mattsurely

Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.

@MantisBlue

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

@preshmomes

my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work

@Multitudes8

M: I rear-ended some girl today

W: Oh how much damage to her car

M: Car?

@TheBigBatman

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

@daemonic3

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP