Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
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My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Herpes is trending, good job people
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot