@SteveKoehler22

Top five movies that could
easily have been about @ ‘ers :

-Alien
-Psycho
-Raging Bull
-Close Encounters
-One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

@JustMeTurtle

[My first day as a garbageman]

Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.

Me: Goddammit

@Brampersandon_

ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough

@Whereisblockaye

Once I started spending my own money I realized my mom was right…we do got food at home

@drinksmcgee

Mumford & Sons is my favourite upholstery shop turned musical act.

@3sunzzz

When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”

#LiesYourParentsToldYou

@Dutchtica

2 eggs
1 tblspoon salt
1/2 litre milk
2 tblspoons honey
200 gram wholeweat flour
30 grams sugar
tightrope
live badger

– recipe for disaster

@Tmoney68

Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2

Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2

@WilliamAder

I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.

@numbertze

If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes