Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
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[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not