Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
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When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.