The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
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A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.