[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
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Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Me if I was a dog
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes