Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
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Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.