TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
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Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
That 👊
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Lol.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.