Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind

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I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.


Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.


I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.


Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome


You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.

You also look like a bad speller.


I talk a lot of shit for someone who still says “righty tighty lefty loosy” before turning anything


If there was any award for laziness, I probably would send someone to pick it up for me.


It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.


If you ask me to hold a bag of any kind of candy, all the red ones will be gone before you get it back.


How to walk up the down escalator:

Step 1:
Step 1:
Step 1:
Step 1:
Step 1: