@TheBoydP

Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind

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@FrankCurtisB

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

@BlindVigil

Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.

@WildeThingy

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

@envydatropic

Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome

@Marlebean

You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.

You also look like a bad speller.

@DaddyJew

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still says “righty tighty lefty loosy” before turning anything

@GreenSmoke_

If there was any award for laziness, I probably would send someone to pick it up for me.

@avainwordland

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

@Gooooats

If you ask me to hold a bag of any kind of candy, all the red ones will be gone before you get it back.

@bakedbrotatoes

How to walk up the down escalator:

Step 1:
Step 1:
Step 1:
Step 1:
Step 1: