Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
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Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS