TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
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Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Netflix and awkward silence?
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin