Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
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Lo AND behold? in this economy?
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.