@CandyEmpires

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.

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@Reverend_Scott

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.

@Tups13

Your time difference cannot harm me. My insomnia is like a shield of steel.

@djdarrellripley

Me: I forbid you to go!

Her: What was that?

Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”

@Dani_Feld

LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET

@cloudypianos

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.

@MissHavisham

[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR

@papasuncle

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

@karanbirtinna

Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!