Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
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*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge