“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
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Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.