What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
You Might Also Like
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Go girl power!
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Check out the legs on this baby
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy