@TheBoydP

Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:

3. Remove moisture from the air

2. Remove odor from the air

1. Cover up disgusting sounds

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@3sunzzz

Dodgeball in gym class…

because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.

@Kalarlis

When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write “HELP ME” while maintaining eye contact

@hstweetheart

Ariel: “But I love him, daddy!”

*sobs as King Tritan rips her iPhone away and unfollows PrinceEric69*

@Parker_Simpson

I wonder if ppl who design new kinds of toilet paper ever think,”Why do we ever try? ppl are gonna shit all over this new design”

@DaddyJew

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

@AaronFullerton

Actors can get political in speeches if they want. Go for it. But imagine someone winning Wimbledon & going, “Yay! I won! Save the whales!”

@ddsmidt

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

@Marcmywords2

Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.

Good times!

@weinerdog4life

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

@stevevsninjas

*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*