Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
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When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write “HELP ME” while maintaining eye contact
Ariel: “But I love him, daddy!”
*sobs as King Tritan rips her iPhone away and unfollows PrinceEric69*
I wonder if ppl who design new kinds of toilet paper ever think,”Why do we ever try? ppl are gonna shit all over this new design”
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Actors can get political in speeches if they want. Go for it. But imagine someone winning Wimbledon & going, “Yay! I won! Save the whales!”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*