*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
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I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.