Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
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Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.