*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
You Might Also Like
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
*cough*
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
never deleting this app.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Noah
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]