[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
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I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.