@Parkerlawyer

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

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@radtoria

Like The Purge but everyone is tryin to murder Tim Allen & become the next Santa. Pls donate on kickstarter so I can finally feed my family.

@AbleLikes

I did some self care this morning. Got up early, took vitamins, did situps, ordered a new liver from Amazon

@DaddyJew

[my gf on her death bed]
I don’t know, what do you want to eat?

@junejuly12

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

@officialjaden

If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It

@theroyaltramp

IT’S OFFENSIVE WHEN YOU PEOPLE ARE GENUINELY SURPRISED TO LEARN I’M A VERY NICE PERSON.

@heatherlou_

Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.

@madisonbosil

A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:

Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe

Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip