Like The Purge but everyone is tryin to murder Tim Allen & become the next Santa. Pls donate on kickstarter so I can finally feed my family.
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*
Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
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I did some self care this morning. Got up early, took vitamins, did situps, ordered a new liver from Amazon
[my gf on her death bed]
I don’t know, what do you want to eat?
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
IT’S OFFENSIVE WHEN YOU PEOPLE ARE GENUINELY SURPRISED TO LEARN I’M A VERY NICE PERSON.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.