Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
You Might Also Like
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.