@AKcrazy18

Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

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@stayathomies

Let’s play a game.

What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.

A: A teddy bear

B: A blanket

C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush

@pineapplepleas

If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?

@PhilipNByrne

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

@fro_vo

[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken

@GrantTanaka

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

@AnOrangeSNES

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

@bourgeoisalien

don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good

@FSUSteve

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

@tlhicks713

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

@RandiLawson

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order