Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
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Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
There’s only one good girl here!
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare