@ajvaage

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

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@3sunzzz

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

@tweetarded1

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons. nnWTF. I was looking right at her.

@ClichedOut

Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.

@daddydoubts

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

@skittle624

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

@Tobi_Is_Fab

That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.