Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
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I wonder if Morgan Freeman talks himself to sleep every night.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons. nnWTF. I was looking right at her.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
A deer, a female deer.
A hunter, with a gun.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
It’s an epidemic…
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.