Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

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My favorite response to someone asking how something works… “Magic” even when I do know how it works. Because Lazy


A real boyfriend will blow up his girl’s phone when she’s mad at him. She may not want to answer, but at least she’ll see his effort.


Canadian whiskey is just whiskey that apologizes for your hangover in the morning


what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun


guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”


Me: I lost twelve followers today.

Wife: On Twitter?

Me: In the woods.

Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!


technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water