@ajvaage

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

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@joeyhuggles

My favorite response to someone asking how something works… “Magic” even when I do know how it works. Because Lazy

@wizdom

A real boyfriend will blow up his girl’s phone when she’s mad at him. She may not want to answer, but at least she’ll see his effort.

@BaldyLockzz

Canadian whiskey is just whiskey that apologizes for your hangover in the morning

@ihuffpaint

what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun

@KeetPotato

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

@thedadvocate01

Me: I lost twelve followers today.

Wife: On Twitter?

Me: In the woods.

Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!

@zoebread

technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water