with extra mice
“rice or mice”
“we don- are u a snake”
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
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The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.
I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Flew out of top hat.
Flew out of limousine.
Flew out of church.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Executioner: final words?
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
My ex didn’t realize ‘cheat day’ only meant he could eat whatever FOOD he wanted.