@ajvaage

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

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@Darlainky

Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.

@whatmaddness

*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*

Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”

@MrRamBillings

One time I was so high, my flatscreen fell off the wall and I thought it was just part of the movie.

@HiddleDeeDee

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

@MandiAtRandom

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

@PapaPreaches

Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.

@mishakey

Him: Get on my level.
Me: You’re a gamer?
Him: ….
Me: ….
Him: You need to get out more.
Me: *mumbles* Your face needs to get out more.

@GorillaNipples1

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.