Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
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*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
One time I was so high, my flatscreen fell off the wall and I thought it was just part of the movie.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Mary Magdalene: I have a boyfriend.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Him: Get on my level.
Me: You’re a gamer?
Him: You need to get out more.
Me: *mumbles* Your face needs to get out more.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, say it sarcastically.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.