I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
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The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time