If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
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“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.