TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger

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Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?


Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name


Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet


In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.


Hey, girl. Are you a potato? because I’m about to. Mash. You. Up. Oh. You ARE a potato. And a talking potato at that. My meds aren’t working


If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved


Autocorrect changed smell to spell but you know what? Your spelling is horrible too.


When your partner cheats on you, do what every respectable person does. Post their name and phone number on 4Chan.


“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]