@ArfMeasures

TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger

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@heyitsJudeD

Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?

@stevevsninjas

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name

@MiddleageM

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

@TonyWIVK

In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.

@TySmithdrums

Hey, girl. Are you a potato? because I’m about to. Mash. You. Up. Oh. You ARE a potato. And a talking potato at that. My meds aren’t working

@AndyRichter

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved

@LoneWolfStories

Autocorrect changed smell to spell but you know what? Your spelling is horrible too.

@NoogsCorner

When your partner cheats on you, do what every respectable person does. Post their name and phone number on 4Chan.

@Fred_Delicious

“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]