torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
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People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
“I’m helping” 😅
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
How to parallel park:
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The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.