Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
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“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.