[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
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* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Owl Sanctuary
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?