*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

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[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?


do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor


someone called Country Music “Farm Emo” and now I can’t unhear that


Him: I like nerds
Me: So if a train is going at ten miles an hour west, and another train is travelling 50 miles an..
Him: not like that


Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.nnnI gave her all my wrinkled shirts.nnnAnd that’s how the fight started.


When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.


just heard a 19-year-old talk about how ‘exhausted’ they were please send bail money


I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.