*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
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Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”