@krisv_723

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

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@TheAlexP

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

@RaxKingIsDead

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

@norkuy

someone called Country Music “Farm Emo” and now I can’t unhear that

@QueenofSparta

Him: I like nerds
Me: So if a train is going at ten miles an hour west, and another train is travelling 50 miles an..
Him: not like that

@Area51eh

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.nnnI gave her all my wrinkled shirts.nnnAnd that’s how the fight started.

@Adar79Angie

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

@millercycle

just heard a 19-year-old talk about how ‘exhausted’ they were please send bail money

@knot_eye

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.