*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
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Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
A little too much information.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.