*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
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[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?