My dog can’t hear me when I yell at him to stop chewing on my flip flop but he can hear the crinkle of the Dorito bag from 3 counties over.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
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God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
If looks could kill, I’d still use a baseball bat.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible