[tossing a coin into a wishing well]

me: I wish I wasn’t so gullible

[tossing a coin into a wishing well]

me: I wish I wasn’t so gullible

- @humanaaron

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[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”


Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.


Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend?

When you get fired from a job, you don’t stay around and watch other people do your job.


Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.


I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.


I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.



INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?



Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.


Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.


Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?