I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
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Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.