@humanaaron

[tossing a coin into a wishing well]

me: I wish I wasn’t so gullible

[tossing a coin into a wishing well]

me: I wish I wasn’t so gullible

- @humanaaron

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@3sunzzz

[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”

@anerdonfire2

Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.

@HairyJew4Life

Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend?

When you get fired from a job, you don’t stay around and watch other people do your job.

@BoomBoomBetty

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

@Marlebean

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.

@Darlainky

I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?

INTERVIEWER:

@somecleverthing

Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.

@MikeZakarian

Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.

@KylePlantEmoji

Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?

[Earlier]

Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST