Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
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[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name