*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
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ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
🙂🐾
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
A new level of troll.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Penguins walking in 5x speed
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
channeling her this year
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”