Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
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In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
I just stopped by to water my horse.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Guantanamo Bae
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Every BBC series about the universe.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin