guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
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Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”