Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
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Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit