*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
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They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Wednesday
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.