Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon

twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.

robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now

*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!

The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.

Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron

Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.

Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.

A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad

I want to meet the individual who made this

(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.

8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.

Well shit.

“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.

My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*