[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
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[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.
I thought you were going to take my taco.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Some coworkers remind me of my ex, because I would jump in front of a bus to get out of a conversation with them too.
I am a kid at heart and a 52 year old coal miner at liver.
I’m lazy, though. I get down to my last outfit before washin anything. You’ll see me at a bar with a wedding dress on, just chilling.