Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
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ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
can I use a minion as a tampon
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?
ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.