The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine